Sweet Sweet Fantasy Baby

we haven't quite started talking about restaurant food yet, but when we do, you better believe we are going to wax poetic about TEANY. teany is a cute little restaurant on rivington street that was originally owned by moby and is now owned by sparkly unicorns and magical elves who make really good vegan spinach dip. teany days are always the happiest days! sadly, we can't eat there every day - however, they DO sell some of their delicious teas so i can take them home and drink them ALL THE TIME.

the coconut tea (#50) is everybody's favourite (try it with a little soy milk and a lot of agave nectar), but there are lots of delicious options - even tea for the flu, hangover cure tea, and some crazy tea that was picked by monkeys. i'm fond of #54, apricot ginger peach.

it's worth noting that suzanne's "just like honey" rice nectar actually tastes just... like... hooooooneyyyy. use it to brighten up your rosh hashana celebrations! mariah carey would be proud.

Whirling Hors D'oeuvre-ish

elena had a brilliant idea: vegan pigs in a blanket!


i can't believe i never thought of this before!

you will need smart dogs, and you will need crescent rolls. spray a baking pan and cut the smartdogs into 2-inch pieces. wrap the crescent rolls around your little smart dog bits. bake 'em. the end.

we made these as hors d'ouvres for a party, but ate them all before the party because they were delicious.

Recession Special: Chili Con Tofu

my fellow americans:
in these troubled times, a lot of us are unemployed/semi-employed/freelancing/begging for change on the subway platform, and that often means cutting back on our food budgets. would you like to hear a secret? sure you would. guess what? veganism doesn't have to be expensive! here is a lovely recipe for those of you who are unemployed weirdos like me - a huge delicious pot of chili which you can savour for like, what would be a week to most normal people but ends up being roughly 3 full days for someone who eats as much as i do. today i bought all the ingredients and they came out to a whopping $17, which is a pretty sweet deal. this is ideal for your purposes, because it's filling, delicious and loaded with precious protein. i stole this recipe from somewhere on the internet and adapted it for my own needs.

here's what you need:

except i forgot some stuff in the picture. whatever. maybe you'd prefer a list?

INGREDIENTS:
- 4-5 cloves garlic, diced
- 3 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
- 1/2 medium-sized yellow onion, diced
- 1/2 a package of white mushrooms, sliced
- 1 package extra firm tofu, crumbled
- 1 green pepper, diced
- 1 tsp cumin
- 2 tbsp or more chili powder
- a whole lot of cayenne pepper (or 1/4 tsp if you're a pussy like elena)
- 14-16 oz plain canned tomato sauce (whatever's on sale, dude)
- 28 oz plain diced tomato, with liquid
- 2 28-oz cans red kidney beans, drained

sooooo you're gonna put the olive oil and garlic in the pot and heat that up a little over a medium-high flame, and once that gets going you'll add the onion and start moving that around - make sure the onions are starting to get a little transluscent before you add the other stuff. add the mushrooms next, sautee, etc. after that, add the crumbled tofu.. i prefer larger chunks, but you may feel differently. add green pepper and stir until the pepper's just barely tender - about five minutes. add spices liberally.

now you're gonna bring the flame down as low as it'll go and add your tomato sauce, diced tomato and drained kidney beans. awesome. i'm sort of a masochist so i like my food as spicy as possible - i continue adding cayenne to taste, and often throw in this insane hot sauce i bought at tears of joy in austin, tx called BEYOND DEATH SAUCE.

you can't tell in the picture, but someone stuck a post-it note on the neck of the bottle that says BE CAREFUL WITH THIS SHIT! sometimes one drop is all the chili needs.

after this you're gonna put a lid on the pot and let it simmer for 45 minutes, stirring occasionally. the longer you simmer, the better it'll be, but it's gonna start smelling really amazing and you're gonna start losing willpower about 20 minutes in. be strong. maybe while this is going you could make some brown rice, cos a huge bag of that is only a few bucks and if you eat your chili over rice, you'll get full faster.


then you eat it.


the best part? you just made a LOT of food, dude. it's gonna last you a while. the longer it sits in your fridge (within reason), the more the tofu sucks up the flavors and spices, which is a definite bonus:


also, i made this chili for my carnivore dad once and he liked it.

Yes... It's vegan... And I'm back. ...WOO!

hey kids!

today we're gonna learn how to make vegan mac and cheese so amazing that your non-vegan friends will nod appreciatively and ask politely for seconds!

to do this, you will need:


INGREDIENTS:
- 1 package elbow macaroni (or whatever, but elbow macaroni is more traditional and fun)
- 2 packages follow your heart brand cheddar
- arbitrary but generous helping of earth balance or other margarine
- soy milk
- nutritional yeast (we like red star brand cos it's tasty)

most of this stuff is at whole foods, or if you're lucky, your gentrified bodega.

so, first step - boil some water for your pasta. olive oil, salt, you know how to cook pasta. while that's heating up, we start on the fun part - CHEESE SAUCE.

first step? cheese! you're gonna want to slice that sucker up into little cubes about 1cm across each way, cos they melt faster that way.


follow your heart is our favourite brand of soy cheese, cos it melts really well and is abnormally delicious. i always end up eating a little piece while i'm slicing it up.

got a wok? it's a good tool for practicing the ancient asian art of vegan mac and cheese. heat up your cheese on a medium flame, poking around with a wooden spoon to make sure all the little pieces are melting.

next step is margarine - pretty much as much as you're comfortable with. we don't really measure it; we just add it in delicious blobs.


soy milk - again, not measured, but not very much at all - just enough to give it a liquid consistency. we add nutritional yeast cos that shit's good for you and tastes good, which means you can add as much as you want and it's practically like taking a vitamin. the red star brand has that awesome baked macaroni and cheese flavour that we love so much. you may want to add more earth balance, fatty.

is your water boiling? probs! throw in your elbow macaroni and follow the cooking instructions on the box.

in the meantime, make sure you stir your cheese sauce consistently!


it should look somethin like this:


oh, your pasta's probs done. time to strain it:

hey elena, you should do some dishes.

anyway, this is the fun part: mixing the pasta with the cheese sauce. i feel like you can figure out how to do this on your own, but it looks so pretty in the picture:


AND THEN EAT IT. this stuff is crazy delicious while it's all steamy and fresh, but it's also good when eaten right out of the fridge at three in the morning and you're drunk.


not that we'd know anything about that.